This Is What You're Waiting For
Honestly
I wait for the event.
That instant when all suffering subsides, when worry and fearsome overtones fail to rule.
I go about my daily existence doing the tasks the world asks of me;
Work, chores, taxes, keeping people happy….
Only when enough is enough.
Only when I can stand it no more.
Authenticity will reign supreme soon, I swear.
You see, I can’t simply wish to feel better; I cannot wish my worries away.
I’ve tried that for years.
I tremble at the thought of the instant being unearned.
What do I need to do to earn this peace?
How do I ‘earn’ peace? Who/What am I earning it from?
A question worth asking - Do I keep the worries here on purpose?
That’s a big question.
And more….
Who would I be without my problems?
Who would I be without the anxiety, stress, and identification with thought movement in my life?
A nobody, and by God, I need to be a somebody.
The world is asking it of me… isn’t it?…
I pray for peace.
And yet, I cannot settle. Will and force are weak servants to an unruly mind.
The will being used is a child of the mind that can’t settle.
Read that again.
A paradox within a paradox.
Short-lived willpower giving rise to false hope.
Perhaps there isn’t a problem?
And the more I try, the more out of reach the moment I’m looking for.
But that creates its own problems… what should I do?
Nothing?
Oh fuck it, let’s just give it all up…
And there it is.
I see that it’s not an event in time. It’s a choice I can never make.
And that’ll be the instant.